A day in the life

Picture highlights from December 2007

   

 

                               

Winter Wonderland

Well... it's over so fast.. all the planning, shopping, scheduling, wrapping, bow tying, and poof!  I was feeling a bit melancholy this holiday season, searching for that Christmas spirit.. i found it.. lost it, found it again.. it was a roller coaster of a season this year. Worry for my nephew who has a long road ahead of him fighing brain cancer had me with mixed feelings... sad for him, knowing how hearing the "C" word affects a person.  Worry for his long road ahead...  some other feelings I can't really describe.

I remember when I was sick w. Cancer and certain people close to me were able to share their true feelings with me (some were not and clung to every day pleasantries...) and they would tell me that they feel helpless... nothing they can do for me.. and it was hard for them... some of them struggled so desperately wanting to do "something" - anything at all that would somehow make a difference or make the burden lighter for me and Jeff... so the feelings of helplessness and frustration where what they described. I remember thinking, yeh i know how you feel... I appreicated their candidness and truly loved them for being honest... I saw the pain in their eyes... I thought I knew how they felt, holy cow, i was the one w. cancer, struggling to find my way.. i knew about helplessness and frustration...

But somehow, i know NOW - how they really felt.. it is differnet when it is not YOU -  when it someone else and you truly can't do a DARN thing to make it go away... atleast when it was ME , I could do things that I thought would help.. eat healthy, follow doctors orders, excercise, RESEARCH, have surgery, recover, etc.... but when it is someone else.. it is sort of like watching them in a tipping canoe... and I am on the shore and they are far out into the water - and the canoe tips from side to side.. unstable... almost going down.. then it's up again and all is ok... then it is wobbly again.. Now i can shout advice from the shore... sometimes they can hear me.. other times it is all 100% up to them to handle it...

We had a big milestone this Christmas... Hank has been ever so anxious about the whole Santa coming into our house... for a week or two before Christmas, he would be scared at night... stressed out... I tried to reassure him as best I could. We even made deals that Santa would NOT come into the house and that we would meet him @ the local park, get all our gifts and bring them  home.. He stopped entering our house when Hank was about 6 yrs old i think. The same thing goes for the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.. Hank was always happy with the results.. but the process freaked him out! Now I love love love all the magic of Christmas.. the giving, the story of Jesus birth (the real reason), the Santa thing... Santa used to make surprise drop offs at the house starting in December on random occasions... just to keep the excitement and magic going. We decorate our house w. lights, and 3 trees... we do it all... Jeff and I both love Christmas.. and the kids do too.. but this time, I noticed Hank's anxiety starting up again.. and I got to thinking.. is he really loving Christmas with all this worry and anxiety? I had been keeping the magic of Santa alive in hopes to keep the fun and magic of Christmas alive for my kids too... But wait, I still love the magic and I know the truth about Santa.. i was not devasted.. it had no ill effect on me when i found out? WHY am I letting this torture go on?

Jeff and I talked about it, I talked to some of my girlfriends and my sisters... I felt it was time to discuss the real story w. Hank. He is in the 5th grade and one of the few kids his age who still believes... So we planned it that night! Will was in bed, we got Hank up and sat him down and told him. There was no drama... just all smiles you could literally see this heavy wait lift off his shoulders... it was then that I knew we did the right thing. He had a millions questions of course... HOW about the time when.. how did you?... who was that?... etc... these questions went on for atleast a week (it was so cute). We told him he had to help us keep the spirit alive for Will and other kids who did not know. He helped us put out the gifts on Christmas Eve (well some of them) and we involved him in the fun that we share.  It was amazing - he loved it! He was a different kid now..no anxiety... he thanked me the next day and said "Mommy, thank you so much for telling me, I don't  have to worry now"...  I almost cried right then! I'd been so worried about keeping the magic of Christmas alive with this one thing -Santa that i lost sight of the whole deal, ya know...

I received a guitar for Christmas. I have always always wanted to take lessons..  i start the lessons in January, Wed nights.. time for me... alone w. my guitar and 10 other folks and a teacher! hahah I am so excited - I can't stop touching the guitar... playing around with it.. when I hold it, i feel this great sense of peace. i just close my eyes.. i even downloaded some pre lesson lessons from itunes.. i used to feel this way when I played the flute, i was lost in the music... what a great escape........

I supposed I will blog about my NY's resolutions... and yes i do have some...

where has she been......

i know i know.. too long - blogging has been on my mind and believe me i have had alot to way.. been short on time, and desire... been a tough month.. but thinks are looking up and so here so goes.. here is what has gone on in a nutshell...

Went to Texas for Thanksgiving.. we drove! We stayed w. Jeff's dad - it was good to see them and visit. It rained alot...all in all a good visit.

Came back... had a PET SCAN - a full body scan - i am 100% cleared of cancer as far as the scan goes.. this is wonderful news... it was difficult waiting to find out the results... both oh so worth the wait! I have a small cyst (called a seroma) on my right pelvic side.. it is nothing and will be reabsorbed by my body... good deal. On a side note, i have diverticulosous and a small hyatal hernia.. no biggie, i can handle that...

one my gal pals had a daughter in the hospital for over two weeks in ICU it was touch and go for awhile, she is only 7 and had a bad case of pnemonia... w. lots of complications. .i am just too tired to really explain.. lots of worry and prayer. she is home now mending...

my nephew has brain tumor. he is 31 i think. anohter very long story that i will get into in another post.. lots of worry and prayer.. its 95% removed and he is starting radation and chemo for 6 weeks. times like this bring you closer to your family, well some of them anyway, anohter long story for another post.

getting ready for the holidays..planning, shopping, juggling money, paying bills, decorations, trees, etc... was searching and searching my Christmas spirit... found it... just in time, luckily...

in the midst of this... homework, grades, sports, games, concerts,laundry.. the works.. I have not lacked in the BUSY department for sure!

new eating.. no dairy,no sugar, and no red meat, no coffee for 6 days now... interesting. I did realize that caffiene makes my boobs ache...

now that we are caught up, i can start blogging more regularly again, i have so much to talk about....

isn't it funny that some people this time of year, get alittle freaky... depressed, anxiety ridden...,  lots of crankiness, fighting, exhaustion in the middle of such joy as well.. December as far as months go is WHACKED.. just plain WHACKED.