A day in the life

the journey continues..

My period was never the same after that. I start to have very heavy cycles. I bleed so much it seems crazy to me.  I have friends who have this itty bitty three day little period and here I am seven days.. yes I said seven days. The flow is so heavy at night that I wake up every night soaked. A huge giant mess. I am afraid to go to school on those days. I wear dark clothes and lots of sweatshirts tied around my waist. I find myself starting at the clock trying my best to will the time by faster so I can race to the rest room for a pad change. It will be soaked by the time class is over. One day I soak through, I am wearing maroon cheenos pants. You can see in the front of my pants a red stain. I hold my books in front of me for the rest of the afternoon and then I run home after school mortified. I have stained through the back of my pants more times than I could ever count. The cramps are bad. No exaggeration bad, really bad. I do have a high tolerance for pain, I realize this as I get older.

     One painful day, I am sitting in Social Studies, 7^th grade. It is the last class of the day, thankfully! Mr. T is my teacher. He is so energetic, he makes the class interesting. He is always teasing me and my friends… He loves to joke around. I love this class. He has been trying to get me to join the track team all year. I refuse every time. I don’t have the confidence to do that… Once my mom said I had a heart murmur when I was born. I use this as my excuse.. “Sorry Mr T, I have a heart murmur, can’t run”. One day I am having a bad hair day, the curse of death to a 7^th grader. He hears me complaining and tells me he can cut my hair.. I need to come over after school.  At the time, I thought oh that’s cool…. I know I can’t get my hair cut with out my moms permission (this is a story for another time), so I tell him no thanks and laugh it if. Now 20+++ years later I look back and the hair on the back of neck stands up.. What? A teacher asking me to his house after school? He was always eyeing me now that I think of it.. a little flirty at times too. I feel sick in my stomach to remember it and thank God that I dodged a bullet there eh? He actually just retired last year. I shudder to think about that.  How naive can one girl be. That is frightening.  So – one day as I am sitting in his class, I feel the blood. It is warm and it is my enemy. I slide up as I am slouching in my chair… blood on the light wood seat. AHHH.. not again.  The bell rings and I try to sneak out.. He stops me. “

Rachel

, is everything alright?” his hand on my shoulder. “I say sure thing Mr. T. I gotta run I am late.”. I run out of the room but I glance back and there is a swipe of blood on the seat. Oh life sucks. I feel very queezy and I know that I just HAVE to get home. By the time I get home, I am soaked and have to take a shower and change. I feel weak again and I am so pale. The next day I stay home from school.

This cycle continues throughout my life at jr. high school. The embarrassing leakage. The stress. The outrageous periods. I am still waiting to feel like a real woman. I am still waiting for the fun… 

        It is the middle of summer. We are all going swimming. All the kids from the youth group. Remember Mr. S., the dad who I babysat for? Yes, he is picking me up and I will ride up with him and his daughter to meet everyone at the lake. Again towels covering the front seat, I think the leather is ripped… Oh well – whatever. I am in my swimsuit and a throw over. This is a new strapless bathing suit. It is dark blue with a few small stripes. My breasts are big enough to hold up the top. I am still 12. I am so excited to go swimming at the lake, to get out of the house! As we arrive I feel something warm. NO not again.. not this car, not this guy! Yup… well fortunately for me I am prepared. Remember I said I am so paranoid now? I ALWAYS carry something. I have some small mini pads with me. I sneak off to the restroom, place one in my bathing suit. It keeps everything ok while I am swimming. So now I am swimming with a mini-pad.. talk about pain and uncomfortable… Oh how I wish I was one of those tampon girls… life would be so much easier.  We end up having a good time despite my paranoia and on the ride home I fold my towel over 4 times and sit on it. And sure enough… there is an issue.. but thankfully the ride is not a long one and I am home no time! Phew! Hope, no one noticed… I get home, change, and take a long nap. Worrying is exhausting.

Thanks Judy Blume..

continued from yesterday...

       Everything I learned that year about being a woman I learned from Judy Blume. Her infamous book, “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret” was a book that was constantly checked out of the library. When I finally got my hands on a copy, I read it over and over again. I felt like Margaret!  <I even did those exercises>...It is from this book, I learned about  menstruation.

       I did ask my mom once, her response was along the lines of this… “Well one day you will start bleeding… from down there… when that happens, let me know I will give you some pads”… I think she told me this in the 4^th grade. From that time on, every possible cramp sent me to the bathroom checking. Am I a woman yet? Ah, the disappointment, when it did not arrive… How could I possibly know that I should have enjoyed my freedom pre-period…

            Did other girls go through this? I remember one day in detention, I said detention… I was a very chatty girl… One of my classmates, told me that having her period was the best excuse for getting out of everything and anything. She promptly took out her bottle of visine… no self loathing cool kid would be caught dead without a bottle of visine in their purse… (you know red eye?)… She created fake tears, walked up to the male teacher and gave her sob story. She had female issues and had to go home. And that was it, she walked out the door but not before turning around to give me a wink.. Magic! Pure magic!  He didn’t even question her, or course not…

So when my day came, you can imagine I was ecstatic! I was a club member now! I could carry a purse for a real reason other than black eyeliner, matches and lip-gloss.

I was a woman. So I would have to get used to the bulky pads… In those days, there were few choices on maxi pads and I was too dang young for tampons.. My mom refused the idea stating toxic shock syndrome!  So the pads my mom gave me were the belted kind… no sticking to your underwear… no wings… this was way way before the wings!

Now comes the self conscious part, the stuff the cool girls never tell you about… always worrying, does my pad show? Check out my butt.. is there a bulge? How do the boys know when you are on your period? Can they see something? Remember that extra attention I talked about? Well not that I am a full fledged woman now – I am paranoid about the extra attention.. I find myself wearing sweaters and sweatshirts around my waist for hiding… I go to the bathroom constantly… to check if everything is ok. I am obsessed….

Then one day, everything changes… I am babysitting… The dad gives me a ride home, as he pulls up to my house, I feel this bubbling, gurgling and large cramping feeling. I am suddenly feeling warm. As I slide out of the front seat,  I notice blood  on the seat. I am mortified! My worst nightmare is happening. He sees my horrified look and chooses to say nothing but “Have a good night!”. I am thankful he is ignoring it. I am so so embarrassed. I hurry to the front steps only to find out that my parents are not home! WHAT? How can this be? I HAVE to get to the bathroom…. I turn around to tell him that no one is home and I don’t have a key. As I descend the steps my life goes into slow motion. In one quick instant, I am soaked in blood from my waist to my knees. My clothes are soaked. One big schwoosh and I am feeing dizzy. I grab onto the stair rail as I try to walk. I am in a weird shock, I have no idea what to do or say. Thank God, this guy is married with two daughters, he understands these things. He gets out of his car, helps me to the passenger side. He has a towel in the back seat that he throws down for me to sit on. I am 12 years old.

He tells me “Don’t worry”. I start to cry. We get back to his house, and we have to walk up the 2^nd floor. As they live in one of those duplexes. I ask him to walk in front of me so I do not need to be any more humiliated that I already am… I go straight to the bathroom and lock the door.  His wife eventually knocks on the door… “

Rachel

, I have some clothes for your and there are supplies under the cabinet.” I open the door a crack and accept the clothes. Not my style, but thankfully they fit me. I find a wash cloth and towel and clean myself up. I look for the supplies.. Tampons… Drat! I am so scared of wearing them, afraid they will hurt… or give me toxic shock syndrome and I will die. I told you my mom was a little extreme right? So all I can do is wad up a bunch of tp and use that as a temporary pad. I am weak, and surely embarrassed.

By the time I come out of the bathroom, I have been in there for what seems to be hours.  The wife has called my mom who is now home and it’s time to ride home. I ride home in complete silence. As I get out of the car, I muster up a small thank you and saunter in to my house, straight to the bathroom for some real supplies. My mom is sympathetic as only a mom can be. She asks me if I need anything? I say nope. I go up to bed and cry myself to sleep. Womanhood sucks…

Becareful what you wish for...

Have you ever longed to be of a club or group? Have you ever wished you knew the secret handshake? Or were “in the know”?. You imagine yourself walking around a little taller, chest puffed out, or maybe a skip in your step.  Your inner voice tells you, “I’m so cool”, “I’m a club member now!” 

As I watched the other girls chit chatting in the lunchroom in hush tones and giggling. I just new I wanted to be a part of that club.. What club? That elusive club that you can’t just join any ol’ day… That cool club of girls who think they are women now. They carry purses everywhere. They wear lip gloss and bras. They know about the “real world”.  They look at other girls, like me, who are not “members” with that patronizing pity as only a tween girl can do. They are superior and they know it! I am just still a kid, not a woman. Oh how I long to be a woman.  Girls can be so cruel at this age.

I follow them around at recess like a new puppy. I am careful not to stay to close, not to be too obvious. I want to hear what they are talking about. I want to know what they know. I do have my own group, but we are all feeling the same way. We want in this club and we want it so bad. We pray every night for the magic to happen and we will wake up the next morning and “Poof”, we are in! The boys know it too. They sense the confidence, the attitude and they are drawn to it. Another reason to be in the club we think.

I feel inadequate, I feel as tho something is missing. I hate being a kid now. I want to be grown up, sophisticated, a “real” woman. I pretend at home. I smoke candy cigarettes, I put on make up, I wear my mom’s high heels.  I do all these things to feel important, to feel grown up. I have so many questions, and no answers. It’s not like today, where anyone can just “google it” on the internet and learn everything there is to know about a subject. I had books, and rumors… but no facts. I HAD to get into that club!

Little do I know, what I am wishing for is soon to come true and will turn into my worst nightmare.

to be continued.....

A day in the life... Family Night!

Jeff and I were searching for a fun idea to do last Friday night for a fun family night... We discussed a possible movie w. the kids... we did just go to the movies w. them last weekend... but there is never a loss for a good kid's movie... especially at the dollar theatre!

Alas, we decided to go to a Diamondbacks game! After the game Smashmouth was to play in concert! So on Friday, Jeff came home early from work - so we were ready to go - and we made our way to the game! The kids - super excited! Hank is very much into sports - it constantly amazes me that he knows so many players names, records, latest success or failure...

Here are a few pictures from our game: We ate concession food...., had icecream and peanuts... screamed and cheered. And then during the concert we danced our little hearts out. Will tried so dang hard to get on the jumbo monitor..but it didn't happen...

What a great fun family night!